As readers may know, I enjoy providing the blogosphere with invaluable and cutting-edge information that is relevant to every single second of your lives. In the spirit of holiday giving, I am providing a preview to what many of the blogs will be doing in 2013. In my sleuthing, I have procured many articles, drafts of posts, ideas and outlines that many of my favorite blogs are planning to release. Though I won't scoop the entirety of each post, here are some unauthorized previews of what you can expect from each blog.
The Trad - Tintin will begrudgingly attend a fashion after-party in Brooklyn where he will finally violently pummel an entire group of post-hipster 20 and 30-somethings. Afterwards, he will apologize to them and take close-up photos of the tags in their shirts and remark that "the wine wasn't bad". The young beautiful-but-vapid model he will chat with says that her father was in the Army (but in Canada). Tintin's ensuing sarcasm will get him slapped, but he will post pictures of his reddened cheek.
The Daily Prep - Muffy Aldrich will ask readers to weigh in on which brand of garage door grease is the most preppy and why. High-resolution photos of the garage door will be included. In the comments section, a reader will ask Muffy which brand of dental floss she finds to be the preppiest.
Maxminimus - The doting father with a vast shoe collection will post about the pair of shoes that got away on a missed opportunity in 1986 and he'll somehow have photos of them. In the post, he'll use "patina" and "wallup" in a single sentence and will combine "ain't no telling" into "aintnotellin'". In the background of a photo for another post, readers will be able to clearly see a notebook page on which ADG has repeatedly doodled "Mrs. A.D.Flusser" in pink and purple ink.
The Mainline Sportsman - In early 2013, the Sportsman will bring us photos and descriptions from his hunting trip to a lettuce farm where he will bag seven or eight heads of Bibb with a .30-06. He will also reveal that Christmas was "an odd experience for the family this year", and will without explanation post a recipe (with photos) of very fresh reindeer steaks.
To The Manner Born - Toad will attempt a home-improvement project which he will be unable to complete himself. He will still claim to be a stodgy, technologically challenged Luddite, though he has kept a vibrant blog and internet presence since at least 2008.
Mr. Midwester - Through a legal loop-hole in the fine print of his popular Style Share series, a reader will lay claim to the actual house pictured in the photo's backdrop meant to show only the silk tie in the foreground. The claim will be enforced in a Midwestern court.
Reggie Darling - Saucers. Lots of saucers. Tons and tons of f#@%*ing saucers.
The Easy and Elegant Life - The Elegantologist's first post of 2013 will include a synopsis of his legal battle to acquire the exhumed DNA of Cary Grant. He will be arrested a week later when police catch him emptying a vial of replicated DNA into the local water supply while whispering "C'mon, damnit... WORK! It has to work!"
An Affordable Wardrobe - It will be revealed in his final post as he signs off forever, that for all these years, Giuseppe actually went out and purchased everything new and at full retail prices. He will half-heartedly ask for our understanding, but will conclude the post with "You all forced me into this".
The Cable Knit Charlestonian - Mr. Alexander will be mixing patterns with reckless abandon, and will begin to show not only his eBay purchases, but will expand into photos of grocery shopping, drug store purchases, close-ups of things that he finds in his pockets, and whatever sticks to the bottom of his shoes.
Brohammas - Through his career in visiting academic institutions of scientific innovation, Mr. M will slip into one of the college laboratories and accidentally be cloned, producing ten exact copies of himself. All ten copies will then form a private club and hold regular meetings. Despite all of this, when he is invited to attend, Mr. M will report that he "felt like an outsider who didn't really belong there".
Boxing The Compass - The usual crap, only somehow worse.
***Full Disclosure - Prior to writing this post, I contacted each blog listed here. I only wrote about those who offered their blessing, and you'll be happy to know that each blogger did. Lady Aldrich astutely titled it "A Christmas Roast". I thank them and sincerely appreciate their friendship, and in many cases, their generous hospitality.
--- Blog Preview for 2013---
The Trad - Tintin will begrudgingly attend a fashion after-party in Brooklyn where he will finally violently pummel an entire group of post-hipster 20 and 30-somethings. Afterwards, he will apologize to them and take close-up photos of the tags in their shirts and remark that "the wine wasn't bad". The young beautiful-but-vapid model he will chat with says that her father was in the Army (but in Canada). Tintin's ensuing sarcasm will get him slapped, but he will post pictures of his reddened cheek.
The Daily Prep - Muffy Aldrich will ask readers to weigh in on which brand of garage door grease is the most preppy and why. High-resolution photos of the garage door will be included. In the comments section, a reader will ask Muffy which brand of dental floss she finds to be the preppiest.
Maxminimus - The doting father with a vast shoe collection will post about the pair of shoes that got away on a missed opportunity in 1986 and he'll somehow have photos of them. In the post, he'll use "patina" and "wallup" in a single sentence and will combine "ain't no telling" into "aintnotellin'". In the background of a photo for another post, readers will be able to clearly see a notebook page on which ADG has repeatedly doodled "Mrs. A.D.Flusser" in pink and purple ink.
The Mainline Sportsman - In early 2013, the Sportsman will bring us photos and descriptions from his hunting trip to a lettuce farm where he will bag seven or eight heads of Bibb with a .30-06. He will also reveal that Christmas was "an odd experience for the family this year", and will without explanation post a recipe (with photos) of very fresh reindeer steaks.
To The Manner Born - Toad will attempt a home-improvement project which he will be unable to complete himself. He will still claim to be a stodgy, technologically challenged Luddite, though he has kept a vibrant blog and internet presence since at least 2008.
Mr. Midwester - Through a legal loop-hole in the fine print of his popular Style Share series, a reader will lay claim to the actual house pictured in the photo's backdrop meant to show only the silk tie in the foreground. The claim will be enforced in a Midwestern court.
Reggie Darling - Saucers. Lots of saucers. Tons and tons of f#@%*ing saucers.
The Easy and Elegant Life - The Elegantologist's first post of 2013 will include a synopsis of his legal battle to acquire the exhumed DNA of Cary Grant. He will be arrested a week later when police catch him emptying a vial of replicated DNA into the local water supply while whispering "C'mon, damnit... WORK! It has to work!"
An Affordable Wardrobe - It will be revealed in his final post as he signs off forever, that for all these years, Giuseppe actually went out and purchased everything new and at full retail prices. He will half-heartedly ask for our understanding, but will conclude the post with "You all forced me into this".
The Cable Knit Charlestonian - Mr. Alexander will be mixing patterns with reckless abandon, and will begin to show not only his eBay purchases, but will expand into photos of grocery shopping, drug store purchases, close-ups of things that he finds in his pockets, and whatever sticks to the bottom of his shoes.
Brohammas - Through his career in visiting academic institutions of scientific innovation, Mr. M will slip into one of the college laboratories and accidentally be cloned, producing ten exact copies of himself. All ten copies will then form a private club and hold regular meetings. Despite all of this, when he is invited to attend, Mr. M will report that he "felt like an outsider who didn't really belong there".
Boxing The Compass - The usual crap, only somehow worse.
***Full Disclosure - Prior to writing this post, I contacted each blog listed here. I only wrote about those who offered their blessing, and you'll be happy to know that each blogger did. Lady Aldrich astutely titled it "A Christmas Roast". I thank them and sincerely appreciate their friendship, and in many cases, their generous hospitality.
nailed it... which if I were the Trad would mean something else.
ReplyDeleteHowever I think it more likely that the Elegantologist would spike a martini rather than the common water. It would make for nice dinnner conversation.
... and I'm not sure I belong on this list.
Your last line is genius.
DeleteSpot on, my good man!
ReplyDeleteHilariously amazing, especially the ADG and Muffy previews, they are perfectly on point. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious! And what an honor to be in such august company as these legends of the blogosphere. As far as your upcoming posts, Sir, I anticipate that one will include replicating (in a multi-staged series of photographs) the favored outfit of a down-at-the-heels former aristocrat, now working the graveyard shift at the local Arby's, waving filthy Semaphore flags and complaining about his once-rich friends who used to invite him to their falling down ancestral summer places where he'd be lucky to be offered a dirty plastic cup of Calverts gin and no ice. What has the world come to? Saucers, that's what!! Reggie
ReplyDeleteI can't write that well!
DeleteBrilliant !
DeleteIt should be-Boxing the Compass 2013: cynicism to a new level
ReplyDeletePretty much. Though don't forget photos of the junk in my glove box and the crumb tray of my toaster.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, I need to start showing what I come home with from the thrift shops, which far exceeds the magnitude of my eBay purchases. I'd put Giuseppe to shame.
Them's fightin' words!
DeleteGreat post. If the world doesn't end today I'll be sure to tune in for these and other great stories.
ReplyDeleteOh and I don't know which garage door grease is the preppiest, but I do know that the 3 in 1 grease in a spray can is NOT. That's the nouveau riche way of applying grease.
ReplyDeleteYou said it was gonna be funny
ReplyDeleteIf everyone is laughing at me, that should count.
DeleteLike any Index of proscribed works, a guide to what's worth reading.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to it!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely Fabulous! And I am greatly looking forward to your 2013 posts.
ReplyDeleteAnd we are to yours!
DeleteShall we bread the reindeer steaks and fry 'em up and then add the lettuce...for a Yuletide Milanese? Well done Sir and thank you for including my humble prose in your good natured satire.
ReplyDeleteMama! Stanky's picking' on me.
ReplyDeleteOk my man...I just wrote that story you predicted I'd pen. I figgered it would be a decent way to end 2012.
ReplyDeleteWhat a (t)wit.
ReplyDeleteWhat a (?)wat.
DeleteI will agree that the preppy/anglophiles are a predictable (and tedious)lot...
ReplyDelete